There are many things about this pregnancy that have been difficult. I don't mind the physical aches and pains so much; I tend to regard them with fascination and satisfaction as good signs that my body is growing and stretching and aching to nurture the baby's growth. Sure, I'd rather be able to stand on one leg comfortably while pulling on a pair of pants - it's no fun feeling so rickety from sciatic pain and loosened joints and swelling. But really, I don't mind. What's been harder is feeling that our budgets and our schedules are so carefully balanced that one careless decision or forgotten detail might be ruinous. It makes it hard to relax. Worrying about health insurance and listening to Bush's arguments against renewing SCHIP before our daughter's birth are much more troubling than heartburn, for example. I kind of enjoy choosing which flavor of TUMS Smoothies to suck on after foolishly eating spicy Indian Food. The pink ones are fantastic, and they work so quickly! On the other hand, I do not enjoy the exhausting and tedious process of attempting to secure health care on the world's tiniest salary and knowing that the people who seem to have the best ideas about SCHIP are me and the editorial writers on NPR.
However, there are moments when I feel so excited about this pregnancy and the tiny little girl we are going to meet soon that I'm completely overwhelmed by it. Like when I feel her squirming around while listening to Bach on the headphones perched on my belly. Or when I read that this week, she will open her eyes for the first time. Or like yesterday, when I was in a meeting with our ED and a corporate partner helping out with this year's First Night Project, and I drifted off and imagined attending this year's parade, and then I realized with a blissful shock: Matt and I will be visiting the parade with our daughter this year. I had to bite my tongue awfully hard to keep from exclaiming that fact. Or like this morning when I walked through a room full of people at the coffee shop to get from the counter with my cup of green tea to the sugar station, and I felt her kick me, and I could not believe that no one else felt it, or noticed it, or could bear to do anything other than watch, with paralyzing awe, me and my daughter walking. Moving. Breathing. Growing. How anyone can stand to think of anyone else is beyond me.
5 comments:
Heather,
I love the fact that you are enjoying your prenancy despite some of the uncomfortablness that goes along with it. This is a magical time for you & Matt, but especially for you, since you are feeling that bundle of joy constantly reminding you that she is there. Try not to worry so much (easier said than done)about Insurace and such, believe me things always work out,I speak from experience. You both have families that love you & will always support you. There will be good times,and not so good times, welcome to parenthood! You and Matt continue to love each other, and remember sometimes to put things in God's hands,it will all fall into place.Hugs,kisses&lots of love to the three of you.
Mom
Your Mom is right on, Heather. Things have a way of working out.
I can't help but do this "Heather's baby"imagining thing while I watch Allison grow and do all that is about nurturing the little spirit growing within. It's such an amazing and intimate bit of work, isn't it? I wish I could make a date to meet you at the coffee shop and touch your daughter as she dances within. I KNOW she's dancing!
Chris and I love you all three.
Dear Heather,
You write so beautifully, it's a shame more people can't read your words. And I love your attitude about your discomforts (Spicy Indian food! Give the kid a break! :~)). It's a shame I won't get to see you while you're pregnant so keep posting pics. Could you do a video? And don't worry about the money, you have many safety nets. Besides, worry affects my granddaughter and I won't have it! :~)
Take care,
Much love,
Dad (aka Granddude)
Your dad is right,you do write beautifully, and a video would be fantastic!!oooxxx
Post a Comment